Ep 47 - Gen X Shorts - Facing Anxiety As We Come Out Of Lockdown

I don't know about you, but over the last 14 weeks or so of lockdown in the UK, I've not ventured further than about 2 miles to our local supermarket. As a person who loves being around people and loves getting out and about, the idea of being nervous about going out scared me more than going out itself.

But, as time has gone on I've been finding myself creating excuse after excuse as to why I shouldn't go out.

Getting my husband or son to do the shopping, only visiting one supermarket if I absolutely had to and limiting myself to the school run to help my daughter out as she's a key worker.

These few journeys felt familiar and safe. I know what I'm meant to be doing. I understand the rules at the supermarket. I know the one way system the school has instigated so I don't have to worry about getting anything wrong.

I think another part of the issue is that my only real window into the outside world has been through social media and online meetings via Zoom. I've had, as I'm sure many have, a sanitised and cossetted vision of life outside. My home office has become my sanctuary where previously it was a bit of prison cell that I'd get out of at any opportunity. Usually through a trip to Costa or Pret or a for a cuppa with a friend or business acquaintance.

Instead my office is safe. I can't inadvertently breach any rules or break etiquette that I wasn't even aware of. I can sit at the computer and tap into my virtual world safe in the knowledge that no one is going to hurl abuse at me for getting too close, ignoring a one way system or simply breathing too loudly!

Now I do realise that that's me exaggerating but that's the problem with anxiety isn't it? The brain over exaggerates reality. The mind sets off on some story telling rant about what might, possibly happen if you leave the safety of the comfort zone and venture out into the big bad world.

Strangely my anxiety hasn't been about a fear of catching the virus. I feel that that is as inevitable as catching a cold and my body will deal with that as and when it hits. Despite the fact that I can't control whether or not I get the virus or not, I know that I can control how I feel about it.

But my anxiety about facing other people OUT THERE in the BIG BAD WORLD has me feeling out of control. And I don't like feeling out of control.

So, this anxiety has been steadily growing in intensity over the last 6 or 7 weeks. The longer I've been isolated at home the more I've had time to fret about going out. It came to a head yesterday when I was preparing to head off to my local supermarket - the one I am familiar with and therefore quite comfortable about visiting - when my husband Mark asked if I could stop off at Screwfix on my way back and collect an order he was waiting on.

And here's what happened!

I suddenly felt my stomach churn. My heart began to race. I felt a bit of panic rising in my chest and into my throat.

I felt my lip start to tremble and tears prick my eyes and I just said 'I can't do that' I know it's stupid but I just can't face doing that'.

Thankfully Mark's pretty good at not making me feel silly but he probably did the worst thing possible. He said don't worry, I'll go and I'll grab the shopping too if you give me your list.

With a huge sense of relief I handed him the list and off he went and I physically relaxed. Panic over. Danger gone. Big Bad World not my problem - at least for now.

The real problem though, is that once lockdown is fully lifted and life and work return to whatever form it's likely to take, I fully intend to return to doing what I love which is working with businesses and organisations to raise awareness of menopause and to facilitate management training sessions and that means delivering face to face, in person workshops.

And I can't do that if I'm too scared to leave the house

So this morning I set myself a goal of getting out and pushing through the discomfort. I made a promise to myself that I would only work in the morning and after lunch I would get in my car and drive 10 miles to our next nearest town, rather than the usual 2 miles to our local town as I would usually do. I would park up and walk up and down the high street and go into one shop that I wasn't familiar with.

It was harder than I'd expected too. I spend most of my 'normal' life driving up and down the length and breadth of the country and driving has never caused me any real problems, apart from about 10 years ago when I spun my car on black ice and spent a few months feeling anxious every time I passed that bit of road. Interestingly I'd got over that problem by forcing myself to gradually expose myself to driving that particular road - starting off only when the weather was dry and driving conditions were really good, then gradually including night driving until eventually I was able to drive that same bit of road without even thinking about the crash.

But going back to my short 10 mine journey into town this afternoon, it felt very strange, especially when I got to the car park and really messed around trying to reverse park into a parking slot - not even a difficult parking slot. I think I was just very tense and over thinking things.

I spent an hour wandering around the town and managed to go into two shops so I exceeded my expectations!

The first was a butchers, which was easy as there was a big sign saying 2 customers at a time only. There was no queue and only one other person in the shop so no risk of screwing that rule up.

The next was a Savers, you know the budget chemist I guess you'd call it, but this caused a new wave of anxiety as they were working a one in one out system and the aisles were very narrow, no way to maintain a 2 metre distance from people. But I did it anyway and came out alive and in one piece.

I'd grabbed a take away sandwich from the butchers and found a bench to sit on to eat it. But then a man sat down on the other end of the bench and all I could think was is he 2 metres away? And there is was, that wave of anxiety rising again.

So, I know that all of these feelings are totally irrational. I know that none of these actions are going to cause me any real danger - notwithstanding giving me Covid which I've already mentioned actually doesn't worry me too much.

So for anyone else who is feeling even remotely similar to me at the minute, I thought I'd just share my strategies for pushing through. They may help or you may need to find your own strategies, but whatever you do please don't ignore the feelings and allow them to take a grip. Anxiety is just unnecessary worry about something that you have no control over and which in all likelihood won't hurt you anyway.

Tip 1 - You're the boss not the anxiety.

Simply refuse to let your over anxious feelings rule you. I said in a podcast I recorded for someone else a few weeks ago we should follow the evidence. So acknowledge that all the evidence suggests that the dangers are really low, that your fears are exaggerated and that you are stronger than your racing thoughts. As the old saying goes, don't believe everything you think.

Tip 2 - Set a small goal and gradually built on it.

I was originally going to drive into Peterborough city today but I felt that it was too big a leap. Instead I settled on a small town. I set myself a goal to go into one unfamiliar shop. As it happens I went into 2 so I'm feeling pretty good about it. When I was trying to overcome the anxiety following my car accident I didn't immediately push myself to drive down a dark, icy road, I gradually built up until the drive didn't have any effect any more.

Tip 3 - Thank your anxious mind for looking after you.

In truth, I am fully aware that anxiety is a natural response from the primitive mind to protect us and keep us safe. I also know that fighting the monkey brain isn't going to work. I have to reassure it that everything is ok. This is really about being kind to yourself and recognising that whilst the feelings might not be rational or logical they are understandable. So literally thank your anxious brain for looking after you and reassure it that you'll be fine. As I got into the car this afternoon to drive to Stamford I closed my eyes, took a few long, deep breaths, and told myself everything was fine and I could turn around and come back at any time if I didn't want to keep going.

I knew that once I'd got out of the door and started driving it would get easier so I kept on telling my monkey that we were fine.

Tip 4 - Visualisation

I learned this from Mel Robbins, the author of the 5 second rule. She says that when she flies, which she has a genuine fear of, she visualises arriving at her hotel or getting home to her family. She pictures in her mind everyone sitting down to dinner and sharing their day. The premise being that if she is there with her family or all settled into her hotel room, then she must have safely arrived and the flight must have landed safely.

So as I closed my eyes and took a few deep breaths, I also visualised getting back home with a bag of shopping that I'd bought in Stamford. I saw myself reversing into my driveway and smiling as I got out of the car. I saw myself as relaxed and happy having enjoyed a bit of retail therapy again.

I'm not sure pre-Covid I'd have seen a joint of brisket, 2 packs of back bacon, a bottle of Head and Shoulders and some interdental brushes as true retail therapy, but hey, we have to start somewhere!

and finally, Tip 5 - Speak Out

A problem shared is a problem halved as they say. So as I sat in the car park in Stamford, overlooking the meadows that sit on the far side of the River Welland, I picked up my phone and recorded a short video about my experiences and shared it on LinkedIn.

There are a couple of reasons for this. The first one is purely for selfish reasons. I felt that speaking about my experience would in some way dilute it. And it really did. I've always worn my heart on my sleeve and found that vocalising a problem diminishes its impact.

The second reason was to hopefully reassure others who may be feeling the same anxieties that their not alone. Not everyone feels comfortable to share their experiences and it can make the problem even more intense if we keep it locked away.

I posted the video onto LinkedIn and I had some interesting responses. I thought I'd share a few with you here.

One lady posted:

I can completely relate to this. My daily walk was about fresh air but then I stopped doing it. Now I have reinstated it and it’s about going outside and reminding myself what a beautiful world is out there. Not perfectly safe but then again it never was.

Another shared:

100% - and for the first 10 weeks the supermarket freaked me out too! Never ever been anxious but with menopause striking along with lockdown I’ve been anxious too. Every little throat tickle or headache has caused much consternation & dwelling.

Another lady wrote:

Thanks for talking about your experience Beverly. What you are describing is rational. We went into lockdown because of a real threat and now it is a challenge to come out of it. For me part of the stress is worrying about how others will keep their distance. Last week I stretched myself by driving further and going to a really big supermarket. Today I drove to a beachfront and although there were more people out than I would have liked, it was a good experience. Keep going at your own pace.

Another wrote:

I went to local petrol station on Saturday having been isolated since March 13th and I was very anxious. I was hyper aware of anyone coming near me and nearly dumped purchases and left. But I stuck with it. It’s not easy at all...but we have to start somewhere.

Interestingly none of my male connections commented but I'm fairly sure this isn't a female only problem and I really hope that any men listening or following my LinkedIn posts feel reassured that its normal for them too.

Stay safe and stay well and remember if ever you're feeling anxious there's always someone to reach out to and if that's me, then that's absolutely fine.

If you don't already, you can follow me on LinkedIn by searching for my name Beverly Thorogood, you'll know it's me as there's lots of menopause references in my profile. Which incidentally doesn't help with the whole anxiety stuff, but maybe that's a subject for another day...